So they say "everything happens for a reason"

How many reasons do I need to teach me a lesson in my life?

What is this current turn of events supposed to show me?

So I am thirty-four, no kids, no husband, no master degree, etc. I can go on about what I don't have.

And guess what.. My younger boyfriend of 5months broke up with me a couple days ago because I couldn't let go of my friends. I can go on and on about it was his demons and issues that broke us up.

But the fact is... I know he was all wrong for me but for some reason most of me wants him back. Why is that? To some people all they saw was a controlling insecure jealous man who didn't treat me the way I deserved. I saw the goofy funny guy I had fun with, someone I had great chemistry with, great conversations with, sexually compatible. In my own opinion, he was a great friend. I almost text him today to tell him I'll do whatever he wants to be with him again. I miss him.  I had to stop myself multiple times. I need time to think if I really want him back or will I just miss having a boyfriend. I have to admit that feeling is nice. I need to distinguish my feelings and sort them out. I do love him, no matter what people say. I did fall in love again. I felt my heart ache when he broke it. The problem is I fell in love with the former self I used to hate. Insecure, jealous, throws tantrums. Unsure of what I want. Maybe if I had met him when he was older? Lots of questions that no one can answer right now.

Is this karma? Is this just another journey to remind me of what I don't want? Make me stronger?

All I know is that I'm hurting...

Like hell again....

& the question is....

I heard a woman say on a documentary that maybe people date or find other people who aren't ready for a serious relationship or who aren't right for them because maybe subconsciously YOU aren't ready for a relationship just yet.  

Whatever that lady said made me question what exactly is what I want?

I have been finding men that are all wrong for me and yet I still agree to date them or see them.

Maybe I am not ready for a relationship?

or is it that I haven't found the right one? 

I am confused.

I wonder if i should take a break and figure out what I want exactly?

All I know is that I want is the whole package. 

A husband

A happy marriage

Kids

A house

Is that really too much to ask for?

Do I really want it so bad that I just see that future and it blinds me from the present?

So far half the guys Ive seen, I'd rather hang out with my friends. & half the guys Just want one thing.

Maybe its a combination of both, I find men that aren't right for me because I am not ready for the relationship but I am not ready because I haven't found the right one.

Its a constant cycle.

I want it to stop.

I am pressured by time.

Has anything changed since I ate that dreadful chicken fried steak?

I guess I can say so. Some good things and some bad things. 

First of all, I'd like to say I am still single. Not to say I haven't been "involved" with men but I haven't had a man that I have called my boyfriend in about 5 Years, I believe. Oh my, that is a long time when I really think about it. It kind of makes me sad to be honest.  I can go on and on about the men I have "dated" or used as "booty calls," but I'll just talk about what happened tonight.

Tonight made me question if I've just numbed myself all these years or do I really just think differently.

Today I told a really nice great guy we won't work out because we are too different. I fibbed a little because the truth was he wasn't man enough for me, his personality didn't outshine his looks, he started only doing what I wanted to do, only what I wanted to eat, only watch what I wanted to watch. He was so nice. I think too nice.  I forced myself to keep going on dates so that maybe I'd feel something I never felt before. He was the first real nice guy i dated and had everything together (job,house,ambition). I should've saw the signs that he wanted something real serious, real fast. The last date we had, he lingered at my apartment. I have never tried so hard to get rid of someone so fast. I realized me & him could not happen if I couldn't even picture myself having sex with him. So what did I do instead of being upfront & honest? I chose the immature route, something I have learned from dating douchebags who decided to phase me out. First of all, I told this guy that I don't like texts as our main communication but that's how he liked to talk. So I stopped texting him and answering so promptly. I never made time for him. I, in turn, became the douchebag. He never got the hint until the very day I decide to stop being an ass hole and tell him we shouldn't be together. I told him we wouldn't work as a couple and the supposed "break up" ( is it called that even though you never said you were official?) dragged on & on. Mind you, this is all through texts which I still fucking hated but that's how he wanted to communicate. I never realized how much he liked me and how much he had riding on our supposed relationship.  

I really do feel like an ass hole. 

I kept on telling him he deserved better & he did. 

Lessons learned from this?

1. Be Honest & upfront.

2. Never be the douchebag & unlearn that behavior.

3. Trust your gut feeling.

4. Run when the guy asks if you want to go to Jared's after the 3rd date. (Jokes are half true)

Lessons learned about myself?

1. I am not that desperate to be in a relationship or just to find someone to marry.

2. That I can end up being the douchebag and it doesn't feel good.

3. I've been numb for too long. 

4. I am still scared of being alone. It feels like a race against time.

So apparently there is still some of that chicken fried steak I need to shit out.

Until next time.......

Chicken Fried Steak was a bad choice.....

Tonight I was so stoked about eating me some chicken fried steak after a night of drinking. And yet it left me for that uncomfortable dense feeling. I feel gross, full, and heavy.

On top of that uncomfortable feeling, is that stupid feeling that I want to get rid of. A friend said he met my ex's new girlfriend. Yes I know, everyone is meeting her. It was something I knew was going to happen, but holy shit it still bothers me. How come I couldn't just have had a boyfriend who didn't have the same fucking friends. I guess its natural to wonder, will they like her? will they welcome her? THESE WERE MY GOSH DARN FRIENDS first! I never want bad things to happen to people but shit sometimes I have to admit I do. I can't be selfish but goddamn man, I am just tired of being too nice.

Everything is racing out of me.

I hate that the last guy I was interested in, has a fucking girlfriend and won't contact me anymore (should be the best thing ever)
I hate that my ex is fucking here with his girlfriend (I feel as though he broke my heart and now he is invading my space with his new life, this was my fucking life)
I hate that the guy that i technically rebounded and transfered my feelings for comes to me for girl problems. I can predict everything about his relationships.
I hate that the guy who wanted to take me out on a date canceled after he saw my facebook and has not text me back for days.
I hate that i can't find a fucking guy. Should i just give up already?? FUCCCCK
am I not good enough or something????
or is it they aren't good enough for me????
Just want to find the answers

I almost got so bothered by my ex's girlfriend meeting everyone that I want to move way from them so I can start over. But I have to deal with it. These friends of mine are my family. I gotta deal with it. There are just some fucking days I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. why do some things gotta be so fucking hard?????????

The chicken fried steak and the rest of the bullshit leaves me with this heavy dense full feeling.

I can't wait to take a shit and dump the chicken fried stead and the bull shit into the toilet.

Lord, I need help.

Sara Bareilles - Gravity

This song means so much to me. I can say that it means two different things to me about two dffierent people. The first meaning is very literal and the words can describe some of my relationship with the one I call my best friend. I try to push him away and I can never seem to push him away completely. He belongs to someone else, well which is most of the time, but he still seems to wants me to want him. I become happy when he wants to hug me or in need for my presence. I just wish my feelings for him can just go away. He pulls me in like a drug. Im in desperate need for rehab.

As for the second meaning is for the EX, the one who belonged to me for so many years now belongs to someone else. The reason this song is also dedicated to him is because even though its been a couple years and I know he has a girlfriend, it still hurts and sometimes it feels as though I am not free from him completely. His presence pulls me in and keeps me wondering, thinking, and occasionally missing. I dont cry everyday, I don't disregard his happiness. He is a good guy. He deserves it. But I have realized that we can't ever be close ever again. We can't be friends. Life has been somewhat harder because we are both close to the same people. The Ex is here in town and he brought his new love here to meet our friends we once shared. I thought I had finished crying about him. Apparently not.

I need to just let go of both somehow,someway, or with someone. There has been too many signs to let me know that its time.

Fix my papercuts

Why is it so easy to get yourself in different situations and so hard to get yourself out?

I am trapped.

I need someone or something to let me out.

Please.

I am not hurting as much as I was before, it seems.
But little by little, I still am.
Maybe that is worse.

Ive had that deep cut already when my heart was broken, now it feels like everyday or everyother day, I get papercuts.

Papercuts add up.

Theres always one day that leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth..

& that day was today...

Not that anything major happened today or tonight. Just a reality slap in the face. I went to therapy today and released some things on my mind, but in turn it added more things on my mind. I know I am passive, and I can't seem to kick that problem. All this time I believed I had control of some things in my life but I really don't. Control with money and men are my biggest problem. All this time, I was led to believe that I had my money in control but its quite the opposite. To everyone I am registered nurse who makes a lot of money, but in turn I am a broke ass with no savings. I just want to give my friends that deserve it, everything they want & I can't. Some of them have really been good to me. It was a slap in the face that my car just decided to die on me at this moment in time and what can I do at this point? Just leave it because I can't afford to pay to fix it right now. Thinking of money gives me an ulcer. I am going be back on track after this trip to Portland. I need to make that serious change and really be cautious. For my future and sanity, I really need to change some habits.

As for men, seems like I never really have control over those situations. I can't control my feelings and I wish I could. For one, I always let them do whatever they want to do. I think of it as getting what I want, but in reality, its only short lived. They call, they text, they want to hang out, but on their own time. I don't really know if exactly Ive been trying, but still, at this time moment I have no power. For one, Ive had pent up feelings for someone that I wish I didn't. Its one of those disgusting can't stand to be around him but can't stand to be without him. Just wonder if he knows. And another one, the unattainable, the one I desire? of course is taken. Of course teases me and texts me from time to time to reminisce about that amazing time, and the possible repeat? Why must he torment me with that idea. Its cause I let him and like the fact that it does feel good to be wanted. But it is also puzzling that if that was so amazing why doesn't he want to be with me all the way? I know. Its because thats the only kind of amazing he knows, not the whole amazing me. As i know, I gave up the cookie too fast. Feels like I need a prince charming to take me away from these situations before I'll be strung along again.


I know it is me that put myself in these situations. So it is me who has to change! & for the better!

I feel better and now I relive my childhood and watch Teen Witch.
Maybe my wishes will come true like i thought it would when i watched it..hehe.....