Fix my papercuts

Why is it so easy to get yourself in different situations and so hard to get yourself out?

I am trapped.

I need someone or something to let me out.

Please.

I am not hurting as much as I was before, it seems.
But little by little, I still am.
Maybe that is worse.

Ive had that deep cut already when my heart was broken, now it feels like everyday or everyother day, I get papercuts.

Papercuts add up.

Theres always one day that leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth..

& that day was today...

Not that anything major happened today or tonight. Just a reality slap in the face. I went to therapy today and released some things on my mind, but in turn it added more things on my mind. I know I am passive, and I can't seem to kick that problem. All this time I believed I had control of some things in my life but I really don't. Control with money and men are my biggest problem. All this time, I was led to believe that I had my money in control but its quite the opposite. To everyone I am registered nurse who makes a lot of money, but in turn I am a broke ass with no savings. I just want to give my friends that deserve it, everything they want & I can't. Some of them have really been good to me. It was a slap in the face that my car just decided to die on me at this moment in time and what can I do at this point? Just leave it because I can't afford to pay to fix it right now. Thinking of money gives me an ulcer. I am going be back on track after this trip to Portland. I need to make that serious change and really be cautious. For my future and sanity, I really need to change some habits.

As for men, seems like I never really have control over those situations. I can't control my feelings and I wish I could. For one, I always let them do whatever they want to do. I think of it as getting what I want, but in reality, its only short lived. They call, they text, they want to hang out, but on their own time. I don't really know if exactly Ive been trying, but still, at this time moment I have no power. For one, Ive had pent up feelings for someone that I wish I didn't. Its one of those disgusting can't stand to be around him but can't stand to be without him. Just wonder if he knows. And another one, the unattainable, the one I desire? of course is taken. Of course teases me and texts me from time to time to reminisce about that amazing time, and the possible repeat? Why must he torment me with that idea. Its cause I let him and like the fact that it does feel good to be wanted. But it is also puzzling that if that was so amazing why doesn't he want to be with me all the way? I know. Its because thats the only kind of amazing he knows, not the whole amazing me. As i know, I gave up the cookie too fast. Feels like I need a prince charming to take me away from these situations before I'll be strung along again.


I know it is me that put myself in these situations. So it is me who has to change! & for the better!

I feel better and now I relive my childhood and watch Teen Witch.
Maybe my wishes will come true like i thought it would when i watched it..hehe.....