First of all, I'd like to say I am still single. Not to say I haven't been "involved" with men but I haven't had a man that I have called my boyfriend in about 5 Years, I believe. Oh my, that is a long time when I really think about it. It kind of makes me sad to be honest. I can go on and on about the men I have "dated" or used as "booty calls," but I'll just talk about what happened tonight.
Tonight made me question if I've just numbed myself all these years or do I really just think differently.
Today I told a really nice great guy we won't work out because we are too different. I fibbed a little because the truth was he wasn't man enough for me, his personality didn't outshine his looks, he started only doing what I wanted to do, only what I wanted to eat, only watch what I wanted to watch. He was so nice. I think too nice. I forced myself to keep going on dates so that maybe I'd feel something I never felt before. He was the first real nice guy i dated and had everything together (job,house,ambition). I should've saw the signs that he wanted something real serious, real fast. The last date we had, he lingered at my apartment. I have never tried so hard to get rid of someone so fast. I realized me & him could not happen if I couldn't even picture myself having sex with him. So what did I do instead of being upfront & honest? I chose the immature route, something I have learned from dating douchebags who decided to phase me out. First of all, I told this guy that I don't like texts as our main communication but that's how he liked to talk. So I stopped texting him and answering so promptly. I never made time for him. I, in turn, became the douchebag. He never got the hint until the very day I decide to stop being an ass hole and tell him we shouldn't be together. I told him we wouldn't work as a couple and the supposed "break up" ( is it called that even though you never said you were official?) dragged on & on. Mind you, this is all through texts which I still fucking hated but that's how he wanted to communicate. I never realized how much he liked me and how much he had riding on our supposed relationship.
I really do feel like an ass hole.
I kept on telling him he deserved better & he did.
Lessons learned from this?
1. Be Honest & upfront.
2. Never be the douchebag & unlearn that behavior.
3. Trust your gut feeling.
4. Run when the guy asks if you want to go to Jared's after the 3rd date. (Jokes are half true)
Lessons learned about myself?
1. I am not that desperate to be in a relationship or just to find someone to marry.
2. That I can end up being the douchebag and it doesn't feel good.
3. I've been numb for too long.
4. I am still scared of being alone. It feels like a race against time.
So apparently there is still some of that chicken fried steak I need to shit out.
Until next time.......
