I had a good session with my therapist today. As always I learned more about myself. I do not express my feelings the correct way. I'll smile even though I am sad, mad, enraged, angry, or just straight up frustrated. Its almost like that Michael Jackson song, "smile even though your heart is aching, smile even though its breaking." I guess I live by that song. Once again I had to test myself and question how I really feel about my ex. I have to occasionally see him, hang out with him, or hear about him. Today I hung out with him, but of course with a group. I know its not exactly healthy for my heart and mind and even soul but somehow I look at it as a learning lesson. That lesson is that I will be stronger and more emotionally stable than ever if I can get through this. The fact is that I do still care about him, I do still love him, its so hard not to wonder about him every day. I'll smile while he sits next to me, even though i miss him. Its like hes close to me but so far away. At times I become angry and think of vulgar things i wish i could say to him, for example, " why did you string me along so long? why did you just leave like that?, why did you have pictures with some girl for all to see, and to break my heart into more pieces?, why did you take everything away from me?" You know the usual cluster of enraged usual phrases an angry broken heart ed woman would say. I smile because I don't want to show my feelings to those who don't need to see it. I am learning how to express my feelings in ways that make me a healthy sane person. I vent, I blog, I write, I speak. I won't shed any tears tonight because I am better than that and know that no one at this time is worthy of any tear that will come out of my tear ducts. I curse those who just want to hurt me or end up doing so, even if they don't think they are. This is why I am always going to be "the girl who always smiles"
If you just smile...
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
I hope someone is listening =)
