Chicken Fried Steak was a bad choice.....

Tonight I was so stoked about eating me some chicken fried steak after a night of drinking. And yet it left me for that uncomfortable dense feeling. I feel gross, full, and heavy.

On top of that uncomfortable feeling, is that stupid feeling that I want to get rid of. A friend said he met my ex's new girlfriend. Yes I know, everyone is meeting her. It was something I knew was going to happen, but holy shit it still bothers me. How come I couldn't just have had a boyfriend who didn't have the same fucking friends. I guess its natural to wonder, will they like her? will they welcome her? THESE WERE MY GOSH DARN FRIENDS first! I never want bad things to happen to people but shit sometimes I have to admit I do. I can't be selfish but goddamn man, I am just tired of being too nice.

Everything is racing out of me.

I hate that the last guy I was interested in, has a fucking girlfriend and won't contact me anymore (should be the best thing ever)
I hate that my ex is fucking here with his girlfriend (I feel as though he broke my heart and now he is invading my space with his new life, this was my fucking life)
I hate that the guy that i technically rebounded and transfered my feelings for comes to me for girl problems. I can predict everything about his relationships.
I hate that the guy who wanted to take me out on a date canceled after he saw my facebook and has not text me back for days.
I hate that i can't find a fucking guy. Should i just give up already?? FUCCCCK
am I not good enough or something????
or is it they aren't good enough for me????
Just want to find the answers

I almost got so bothered by my ex's girlfriend meeting everyone that I want to move way from them so I can start over. But I have to deal with it. These friends of mine are my family. I gotta deal with it. There are just some fucking days I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. why do some things gotta be so fucking hard?????????

The chicken fried steak and the rest of the bullshit leaves me with this heavy dense full feeling.

I can't wait to take a shit and dump the chicken fried stead and the bull shit into the toilet.

Lord, I need help.

Sara Bareilles - Gravity

This song means so much to me. I can say that it means two different things to me about two dffierent people. The first meaning is very literal and the words can describe some of my relationship with the one I call my best friend. I try to push him away and I can never seem to push him away completely. He belongs to someone else, well which is most of the time, but he still seems to wants me to want him. I become happy when he wants to hug me or in need for my presence. I just wish my feelings for him can just go away. He pulls me in like a drug. Im in desperate need for rehab.

As for the second meaning is for the EX, the one who belonged to me for so many years now belongs to someone else. The reason this song is also dedicated to him is because even though its been a couple years and I know he has a girlfriend, it still hurts and sometimes it feels as though I am not free from him completely. His presence pulls me in and keeps me wondering, thinking, and occasionally missing. I dont cry everyday, I don't disregard his happiness. He is a good guy. He deserves it. But I have realized that we can't ever be close ever again. We can't be friends. Life has been somewhat harder because we are both close to the same people. The Ex is here in town and he brought his new love here to meet our friends we once shared. I thought I had finished crying about him. Apparently not.

I need to just let go of both somehow,someway, or with someone. There has been too many signs to let me know that its time.

Fix my papercuts

Why is it so easy to get yourself in different situations and so hard to get yourself out?

I am trapped.

I need someone or something to let me out.

Please.

I am not hurting as much as I was before, it seems.
But little by little, I still am.
Maybe that is worse.

Ive had that deep cut already when my heart was broken, now it feels like everyday or everyother day, I get papercuts.

Papercuts add up.

Theres always one day that leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth..

& that day was today...

Not that anything major happened today or tonight. Just a reality slap in the face. I went to therapy today and released some things on my mind, but in turn it added more things on my mind. I know I am passive, and I can't seem to kick that problem. All this time I believed I had control of some things in my life but I really don't. Control with money and men are my biggest problem. All this time, I was led to believe that I had my money in control but its quite the opposite. To everyone I am registered nurse who makes a lot of money, but in turn I am a broke ass with no savings. I just want to give my friends that deserve it, everything they want & I can't. Some of them have really been good to me. It was a slap in the face that my car just decided to die on me at this moment in time and what can I do at this point? Just leave it because I can't afford to pay to fix it right now. Thinking of money gives me an ulcer. I am going be back on track after this trip to Portland. I need to make that serious change and really be cautious. For my future and sanity, I really need to change some habits.

As for men, seems like I never really have control over those situations. I can't control my feelings and I wish I could. For one, I always let them do whatever they want to do. I think of it as getting what I want, but in reality, its only short lived. They call, they text, they want to hang out, but on their own time. I don't really know if exactly Ive been trying, but still, at this time moment I have no power. For one, Ive had pent up feelings for someone that I wish I didn't. Its one of those disgusting can't stand to be around him but can't stand to be without him. Just wonder if he knows. And another one, the unattainable, the one I desire? of course is taken. Of course teases me and texts me from time to time to reminisce about that amazing time, and the possible repeat? Why must he torment me with that idea. Its cause I let him and like the fact that it does feel good to be wanted. But it is also puzzling that if that was so amazing why doesn't he want to be with me all the way? I know. Its because thats the only kind of amazing he knows, not the whole amazing me. As i know, I gave up the cookie too fast. Feels like I need a prince charming to take me away from these situations before I'll be strung along again.


I know it is me that put myself in these situations. So it is me who has to change! & for the better!

I feel better and now I relive my childhood and watch Teen Witch.
Maybe my wishes will come true like i thought it would when i watched it..hehe.....

someone fast forward.....

bleh bleh bleh


can time be any slower at work....

hurry up, so I can be off!!!!!

not again......

so yet again, i am faced with many questions. somedays i hate facebook, my therapist was right, what happened to the days where you didn't know what your ex was up too, their business was not in your face. It is my fault he is in my face because im too nice and too curious to delete his faceboook off my account. so it is my fault. He was done with me in that way so its easy for him to see my business, but for me not so much. I don't know if he has a gf, i dont know if he just as a friend thats a girl. I aint gonna lie, it still stings like a mutha fucka but at least im not crying about it. Im like get it over Jen, yes i said jen, its been almost like two years, well it will be in november. why can't you just say fuck him and say he lost a good thing when he had it? right just keep going on with that saying. Fuck him and his skinny ass big haired ugly self. shit like i have enough confusion in my life about feelings. FUCKING GET OVER HIS ASS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! im fucking tired of thinking about him and missing him and fucking worried about his dayam ugggglyy ugggly love life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GET over him now...
so lord please let me forget him or at least forget the feelings,
i love you
thank you,
id appreciate greatly

!

somedays I just want to get the hell out of here and start over. There is just some people in my life I can throw away. what good were they really being in my life?


fuck em.

Something I've noticed....

I can't look someone in the eye if I don't have lost any respect for them. I can't even look at their face or direction. As sad as it seems, there was a time where I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, I guess I knew I didn't have respect for myself at one point. Now I know what I want to be and what exactly I don't want to be. Realization hits me like a brick sometimes. I have come to realize, should have, would have are just spilled milk, you can't dwell on them. Things happened the way they did and that is it. PERIOD. I think I have lost faith in some things, but now know what I can believe in for myself. I can't let other people's actions deteriorate faith for myself. If I believe in myself and know what I can be and how things can be, then I will be alright. Change needs to happen and I need to let go....& its so hard when you want it so bad.

I dont know even know why im crying.....

Maybe the answer is not to get drunk...maybe the answer is not to hang out with one you expect to keep you warm on a lonely night. I am so tired of hurting, so tired of crying. I just want it to be done with. It doesn't help when you try to get over more than one problem or subject at the same time. I cried for an hour and a half straight, is that really necessary? are the reasons you are crying worth it? personally i dont think so. as of right now i stopped crying, but my eyes are puffy and i am angry, I am really tired of this shit. Somethings' got to give and something has to change, i only ask soon please..... my sanity is wearing thin.

question mark/drunk

so I sit here intoxicated and ponder on thoughts,
why can't I have what I want fall into my lap? even as bad as it would be for me, to the bone, I know what is best for me. But at times, it conflicts with what i really want? Maybe its just a sign from god to tell me that there are things better for me. Maybe I am just drunk, Maybe I am getting ahead of myself, Maybe I am too emotional. @times i just wish i wasn't so emo, I just wish I was who I portray, a funny girl with nothing to lose and who could care less, I am not that person, i care too much and i love too much. I dont know even know what to say, i cant explain how i feel, right now i feel lonely and can't say why. a good cry right now will be good....


tommorrow will be a good day.

pointless blog but it means something to me.

So theres always something...

I know I only blog when there are no other outlets to release my feelings, but I plan on blogging more often since I plan on either ceasing or decreasing my sessions with my therapist. I think my therapist was a great outlet for what I needed at the time. I obviously do not do what she tells me all the time, but none the less, it has been a great help. I only hope to blog about great things other than to vent about the same thing. This weekend was great even though it involved hanging out with the ex. The truth is that I really had a good time, and of course no doubt that I still have feelings for him, & at times I still desire him. I understand that we are broken up and we are cordial to each other and act like friends when we see each other but we can't be close like we used to be, at least not now. I can honestly say this weekend was just a great time and no tears were shed for him. I almost did shed a tear. Now a days, its about hanging out as a crew and I honestly say that I didn't want to be left out. I called in for work, partly because i didn't want to go due to being tired/hangover and thats the thing I didn't want to be left out of the fun I don't regret it, I almost cried tonight because my friends were planning all these trips that I can't be invited too because I am the ex-girlfriend and "fragile," as they may think. And I know it might not just be just guys going so that makes it worse. Its not their fault but I do feel "left out." and that has always been been a big deal for me. I have to let it go sometimes. I am aware of this. A couple more things I have to admit and let out before I go to bed. I have to admit that I still wonder if he is seeing someone and that bothers me, not to the point where i go crazy, just a bit annoyance. I guess i become paranoid. And another thing i really hate when i feel like I am being used, I take that back, not necessarily "used", maybe just feel like a back up, I feel like i deserve better. Somedays I believe that I deserve all the bad things I get but i know that's not true.....

step by step, day by day, I will have everything I want in life. I can feel it.