Just move along please....

oh man,

One minute you think you got it all put back together, you are getting through the process, and no more tears could possibly shed and are moving on right? Then you realize how one thing could show how fragile you are emotionally.. but this time it's just a matter how fast you bounce back. I have been waiting for the day to come when I found out my ex was seeing somebody else. I mean i already had an initial shock of seeing him with another girl, but of course when you are still holding on to that love you had for someone or not over him, you realize it hurts no matter when or with who. I could be just reading into it too much but the shakes and tears came out from just reading "so & so is not listed as single", it didn't say "in a relationship." or anything like that, but i don't know for sure. I am just preparing myself for the worse. After a good cry and some great listeners at work and through telephoning best friends, i felt much better. There's still a calm sadness that i feel but at least i know i can get through this. I am more upset that i still cry over him. Its better he does not live here. Its better for my heart mind & soul. I am trying my best to move on.. i think im doing okay. I just wish that this pain will be over and i could get over him with a snap of my fingers. I wanted to be with someone else before he even had a chance to be with someone else. Like i said I can't assume anything i dont know, i simply just need to prepare me & my emotions for the worse. I won't wallow in sorrow, its not worth it. Everyone says im special and a good person and i will find someone better and deserving of my love. that does make me feel better. hehe i like it when people say hes dumb, not to be mean. I understand that people do break up and sometimes weren't meant to be. But i feel dumb for thinking he was "the one", Somedays i still think he was supposed to be. I need to move on.. cherish the past & and be excited for the future. Well heres another crying episode to explain to the theRapist next week...

main thought: i will be fine
scary thought: that i will be alone.
sad thought: it will take more a little more time than i thought to be over him
ambitious thought: i will be hot sexy independent & will find someone spectacular
revenge thought: he will want me back when i am not available
thought for this month: think & act like a dude to "get mine"
happy thought: my family & friends. i love them

"the girl who always smiles"

I had a good session with my therapist today. As always I learned more about myself. I do not express my feelings the correct way. I'll smile even though I am sad, mad, enraged, angry, or just straight up frustrated. Its almost like that Michael Jackson song, "smile even though your heart is aching, smile even though its breaking." I guess I live by that song. Once again I had to test myself and question how I really feel about my ex. I have to occasionally see him, hang out with him, or hear about him. Today I hung out with him, but of course with a group. I know its not exactly healthy for my heart and mind and even soul but somehow I look at it as a learning lesson. That lesson is that I will be stronger and more emotionally stable than ever if I can get through this. The fact is that I do still care about him, I do still love him, its so hard not to wonder about him every day. I'll smile while he sits next to me, even though i miss him. Its like hes close to me but so far away. At times I become angry and think of vulgar things i wish i could say to him, for example, " why did you string me along so long? why did you just leave like that?, why did you have pictures with some girl for all to see, and to break my heart into more pieces?, why did you take everything away from me?" You know the usual cluster of enraged usual phrases an angry broken heart ed woman would say. I smile because I don't want to show my feelings to those who don't need to see it. I am learning how to express my feelings in ways that make me a healthy sane person. I vent, I blog, I write, I speak. I won't shed any tears tonight because I am better than that and know that no one at this time is worthy of any tear that will come out of my tear ducts. I curse those who just want to hurt me or end up doing so, even if they don't think they are. This is why I am always going to be "the girl who always smiles"

If you just smile...

Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile


I hope someone is listening =)

Be optimistic..The Beginning..

So where do I start?

To just to keep it simple and short, I started a blog because sometimes my mind becomes crowded with so many thoughts and feelings, the only thing I can do to help is release them to: whether it be talking to my friends, my family, my journal, or my therapist. Now I can release them if I am on a computer if my journal or friends or therapist are not available at the time.

I can honestly say that I have come a long way but I know I'm not completely healed yet. I was at a pretty bad place several months ago. Everything bad and horrible you could possibly think of about yourself, is what I thought of. It would not be pleasant to explain what those things were exactly. At times, I do find myself in a clusterfuck of thoughts and it brings me down again but then I take a deep breathe and realize there is no need for such negative energy. I know there are people who understand what I am feeling so that is why I don't mind publishing a blog, whether it be to funny, sad, or just telling you I am happy. This is for me.

My life seemed to be going in the direction that i wanted it go, then it went off course. Who knows, maybe it wasn't going in the right direction for me in the first place. All I know is, that maybe a change is what I needed, cause what I have learned from this is that I am going to be stronger, more confident, more secure person in the end. Maybe I needed my heart broken to realize the contents of my heart. I didn't realize how much I loved him until I lost him. As cliche as it sounds, its true. I took his love for granted, and thinking it would always be there. Now I am just trying to deal with the fact that, Im still not over him and still love him, worry about him, think of him. Im still wondering if im just happy that he is still in my life as a mediocore friend or if im just waiting for him to have a sudden change of heart. I dont know. If he doesn't come back, i know that i could love again, just need to find the right person for me. Im crossing my fingers for something good to happen...

I would be nothing if i didn't have the support of my family and friends. they love me and have been with me every step of the way. My dreams aren't on hold, because im still dreaming them..
one day i'll be complete with everything ive ever wanted....