What is this current turn of events supposed to show me?
So I am thirty-four, no kids, no husband, no master degree, etc. I can go on about what I don't have.
And guess what.. My younger boyfriend of 5months broke up with me a couple days ago because I couldn't let go of my friends. I can go on and on about it was his demons and issues that broke us up.
But the fact is... I know he was all wrong for me but for some reason most of me wants him back. Why is that? To some people all they saw was a controlling insecure jealous man who didn't treat me the way I deserved. I saw the goofy funny guy I had fun with, someone I had great chemistry with, great conversations with, sexually compatible. In my own opinion, he was a great friend. I almost text him today to tell him I'll do whatever he wants to be with him again. I miss him. I had to stop myself multiple times. I need time to think if I really want him back or will I just miss having a boyfriend. I have to admit that feeling is nice. I need to distinguish my feelings and sort them out. I do love him, no matter what people say. I did fall in love again. I felt my heart ache when he broke it. The problem is I fell in love with the former self I used to hate. Insecure, jealous, throws tantrums. Unsure of what I want. Maybe if I had met him when he was older? Lots of questions that no one can answer right now.
Is this karma? Is this just another journey to remind me of what I don't want? Make me stronger?
All I know is that I'm hurting...
Like hell again....
