!

somedays I just want to get the hell out of here and start over. There is just some people in my life I can throw away. what good were they really being in my life?


fuck em.

Something I've noticed....

I can't look someone in the eye if I don't have lost any respect for them. I can't even look at their face or direction. As sad as it seems, there was a time where I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, I guess I knew I didn't have respect for myself at one point. Now I know what I want to be and what exactly I don't want to be. Realization hits me like a brick sometimes. I have come to realize, should have, would have are just spilled milk, you can't dwell on them. Things happened the way they did and that is it. PERIOD. I think I have lost faith in some things, but now know what I can believe in for myself. I can't let other people's actions deteriorate faith for myself. If I believe in myself and know what I can be and how things can be, then I will be alright. Change needs to happen and I need to let go....& its so hard when you want it so bad.

I dont know even know why im crying.....

Maybe the answer is not to get drunk...maybe the answer is not to hang out with one you expect to keep you warm on a lonely night. I am so tired of hurting, so tired of crying. I just want it to be done with. It doesn't help when you try to get over more than one problem or subject at the same time. I cried for an hour and a half straight, is that really necessary? are the reasons you are crying worth it? personally i dont think so. as of right now i stopped crying, but my eyes are puffy and i am angry, I am really tired of this shit. Somethings' got to give and something has to change, i only ask soon please..... my sanity is wearing thin.

question mark/drunk

so I sit here intoxicated and ponder on thoughts,
why can't I have what I want fall into my lap? even as bad as it would be for me, to the bone, I know what is best for me. But at times, it conflicts with what i really want? Maybe its just a sign from god to tell me that there are things better for me. Maybe I am just drunk, Maybe I am getting ahead of myself, Maybe I am too emotional. @times i just wish i wasn't so emo, I just wish I was who I portray, a funny girl with nothing to lose and who could care less, I am not that person, i care too much and i love too much. I dont know even know what to say, i cant explain how i feel, right now i feel lonely and can't say why. a good cry right now will be good....


tommorrow will be a good day.

pointless blog but it means something to me.

So theres always something...

I know I only blog when there are no other outlets to release my feelings, but I plan on blogging more often since I plan on either ceasing or decreasing my sessions with my therapist. I think my therapist was a great outlet for what I needed at the time. I obviously do not do what she tells me all the time, but none the less, it has been a great help. I only hope to blog about great things other than to vent about the same thing. This weekend was great even though it involved hanging out with the ex. The truth is that I really had a good time, and of course no doubt that I still have feelings for him, & at times I still desire him. I understand that we are broken up and we are cordial to each other and act like friends when we see each other but we can't be close like we used to be, at least not now. I can honestly say this weekend was just a great time and no tears were shed for him. I almost did shed a tear. Now a days, its about hanging out as a crew and I honestly say that I didn't want to be left out. I called in for work, partly because i didn't want to go due to being tired/hangover and thats the thing I didn't want to be left out of the fun I don't regret it, I almost cried tonight because my friends were planning all these trips that I can't be invited too because I am the ex-girlfriend and "fragile," as they may think. And I know it might not just be just guys going so that makes it worse. Its not their fault but I do feel "left out." and that has always been been a big deal for me. I have to let it go sometimes. I am aware of this. A couple more things I have to admit and let out before I go to bed. I have to admit that I still wonder if he is seeing someone and that bothers me, not to the point where i go crazy, just a bit annoyance. I guess i become paranoid. And another thing i really hate when i feel like I am being used, I take that back, not necessarily "used", maybe just feel like a back up, I feel like i deserve better. Somedays I believe that I deserve all the bad things I get but i know that's not true.....

step by step, day by day, I will have everything I want in life. I can feel it.

Just move along please....

oh man,

One minute you think you got it all put back together, you are getting through the process, and no more tears could possibly shed and are moving on right? Then you realize how one thing could show how fragile you are emotionally.. but this time it's just a matter how fast you bounce back. I have been waiting for the day to come when I found out my ex was seeing somebody else. I mean i already had an initial shock of seeing him with another girl, but of course when you are still holding on to that love you had for someone or not over him, you realize it hurts no matter when or with who. I could be just reading into it too much but the shakes and tears came out from just reading "so & so is not listed as single", it didn't say "in a relationship." or anything like that, but i don't know for sure. I am just preparing myself for the worse. After a good cry and some great listeners at work and through telephoning best friends, i felt much better. There's still a calm sadness that i feel but at least i know i can get through this. I am more upset that i still cry over him. Its better he does not live here. Its better for my heart mind & soul. I am trying my best to move on.. i think im doing okay. I just wish that this pain will be over and i could get over him with a snap of my fingers. I wanted to be with someone else before he even had a chance to be with someone else. Like i said I can't assume anything i dont know, i simply just need to prepare me & my emotions for the worse. I won't wallow in sorrow, its not worth it. Everyone says im special and a good person and i will find someone better and deserving of my love. that does make me feel better. hehe i like it when people say hes dumb, not to be mean. I understand that people do break up and sometimes weren't meant to be. But i feel dumb for thinking he was "the one", Somedays i still think he was supposed to be. I need to move on.. cherish the past & and be excited for the future. Well heres another crying episode to explain to the theRapist next week...

main thought: i will be fine
scary thought: that i will be alone.
sad thought: it will take more a little more time than i thought to be over him
ambitious thought: i will be hot sexy independent & will find someone spectacular
revenge thought: he will want me back when i am not available
thought for this month: think & act like a dude to "get mine"
happy thought: my family & friends. i love them

"the girl who always smiles"

I had a good session with my therapist today. As always I learned more about myself. I do not express my feelings the correct way. I'll smile even though I am sad, mad, enraged, angry, or just straight up frustrated. Its almost like that Michael Jackson song, "smile even though your heart is aching, smile even though its breaking." I guess I live by that song. Once again I had to test myself and question how I really feel about my ex. I have to occasionally see him, hang out with him, or hear about him. Today I hung out with him, but of course with a group. I know its not exactly healthy for my heart and mind and even soul but somehow I look at it as a learning lesson. That lesson is that I will be stronger and more emotionally stable than ever if I can get through this. The fact is that I do still care about him, I do still love him, its so hard not to wonder about him every day. I'll smile while he sits next to me, even though i miss him. Its like hes close to me but so far away. At times I become angry and think of vulgar things i wish i could say to him, for example, " why did you string me along so long? why did you just leave like that?, why did you have pictures with some girl for all to see, and to break my heart into more pieces?, why did you take everything away from me?" You know the usual cluster of enraged usual phrases an angry broken heart ed woman would say. I smile because I don't want to show my feelings to those who don't need to see it. I am learning how to express my feelings in ways that make me a healthy sane person. I vent, I blog, I write, I speak. I won't shed any tears tonight because I am better than that and know that no one at this time is worthy of any tear that will come out of my tear ducts. I curse those who just want to hurt me or end up doing so, even if they don't think they are. This is why I am always going to be "the girl who always smiles"

If you just smile...

Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile


I hope someone is listening =)